Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Turtle Walking, Professional Dogs, and Style Points.

I really wanted to turn this into a full blown narrative to show the reader just how entertaining and eccentric my home life is, but it's impossible. The interesting parts are too strange and disparate and do not lend themselves to fluidity. All you need to know is that the very day I moved back in with my parents, my family memebers exceeded all expectations in terms of peculiarity. Yes, even I was amazed.

Peculiarity #1: When I arrived at my parents house to unload the Uhaul, my mom was outside "walking" the turtle. Now, my mother is a collector of worn-out, unwanted, lost, and behaviorally challenged animals. They flock to her like emotionally disabled/psychologically damaged humans flock to me. This turtle arrived in the backyard gray, dehydrated, and dog-chewed. "Mr. Turtle", as he is known, has become my mothers latest animal project. She sprays him down, changes his moss, regulates his temperature, and buys him premium turtle food with "100% real ground crickets in every bite!" And she walks him. I witnessed this myself. When I asked my dad what she was doing, he stated "Walking the turtle." His nonchalance collided with my incredulity and created a vaccuum for a few seconds. Then he said, "I did it last weekend."

Peculiarity #2: As my mom was walking the turtle, my dad was brushing Moses. Technically, Moses is my dog, but he loves my dad and my dad loves him, and due to the dog's inability to climb and descend stairs my parents retained custody of him while I lived in my townhouse. Anyway, Moses is an extremely large red-furred beast with raging allergies that manifest in itchy skin. My father ritualistically brushes Moses to help give the poor creature some relief. This is not peculiar. This is good pet ownership. What is peculiar is how my dad talks to the dog. He say's things like "What a handsome guy!" and "Grandpa loves you." and "You are the King of Dogs! King Dog!" and "You're a professional've read all the books!"

Peculiarity #3: As my brother's and I were unloading the U-Haul, my little brother kept deducting "style points" from me. Apparently, there is a wrong way and a right way to unload and move boxes and furniture. In my mind, it is right to move them from Point A to Point B without damage. It is wrong to NOT move items from Point A to Point B, and/or damage them in the process. As it turns out, it is much more complicated than that. There is a style, a finesse, a je ne sais quoi that I just don't have. I lost style points for loading the end tables "backwards" on the dolly. I lost points for using the dolly when I should have carried the furniture. I lost points for carrying furniture when I should have loaded it onto the dolly. I also lost points for grip, strength (or lack thereof), endurance, clearance, and steering. Who knew?

I think I will be experiencing this type of thing more frequently. I realize that the Osbourne's really have nothing on my family...except perhaps wealth and profanity.


  1. And what so peculiar about walking the turtle or talking to the dog? I don't have a turtle, but I do have a cat. (You've met him.) And we have full on conversations. I would never call him a professional cat, though. He thinks he's human. ;)

  2. I just wanna know, does the turtle have a leash?