Sunday, November 21, 2010

Points Deduction (not mine for once)

I'm giving my mom a Style Points Deduction for buying the dogs chew hooves that smell like cow manure when chewed. Of COURSE Quito loves he's been gathering them up and burying them under the clothes on the floor in my room. This morning I gathered them up and tossed them all into the yard. It's OK if the yard smells like a pasture. It is NOT OK for my room to smell like one.

She also bought them peanut butter apple stuffed femurs. It blew my dad's mind. He's a simple guy. He doesn't believe in peanut butter stuffed femurs. My mom informed him that she could have purchased banana yogurt or bacon filled femurs. He thought that was funny, and asked her who did the prep work for the chef.

Dad is giving the scientist from last night's PBS special on wolverines a Style Points Deduction for inter-species adoption. Dad does not believe in inter-species adoptions because they are "unnatural." I pointed out that we "adopt" dogs. He told me our dogs didn't count, because Mom buys them peanut butter apple femurs, which "blurs the line a little."

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Communists and Kurt Warner

My parents are devout Dancing With the Stars fans. The are also big Cardinals fans, so they were doubly excited when Kurt Warner was announced as a contestant on this season of DWTS. My father in particular thinks Kurt Warner is a model citizen, and deserves the Mirror Ball Trophy for his character and quarterbacking skills alone.

Len Goodman disagreed. In the first week, he panned Kurt, giving him a 5 (the other two gave him 7s and noted his "potential") and saying that he didn't like him this week, and didn't expect to like him next week either. Here's an approximation of my dad's reaction:

"Bullshit! Bullshit! That is KURT WARNER! You do not disrespect KURT WARNER! He's an American great! I refuse to watch this show! Horse shit! You are a COMMUNIST if you don't like Kurt Warner. I can't watch this crap! This is disgusting!"

For remainder of the week, Dad kept calling Len a communist and saying how he couldn't stomach the show. We watched it again the next week. Thankfully, Len had more positive things to say about Kurt, sparing me another round of McCarthyism. For a week.

The peace was short-lived, however. After one particularly contentious round of judging, Kurt received 6s for having "big hands" "bent" rather than "flexed" knees, despite a rather clean performance. Bristol Palin received straight 7s and glowing praise for forgetting almost all of her steps, but remembering to smile. And unfair assessment to be sure, but Dad couldn't handle the politics.

"This is a set-up! A conspiracy! I mean, she's graceful, but that is KURT WARNER! She was not better than KURT WARNER! (itn's true...she wasn't) Len's a communist! This show has no credibilty! I refuse to watch it! Anyone who doesn't like KURT WARNER is a COMMUNIST!"

We watched it again the following week. And so it went until Kurt was finally eliminated. To this day, my dad still randomly mutters about communists and Kurt Warner.